Living in illusions (Madame Bovary)

“Please God, let him be the right one! Let him be the right one!” She kept saying to herself before getting married. He was a good one, but she just couldn’t see that. All her life she lived in illusions, she lived in a dream, but not the dream of reality which is the most wonderful gift. She lived in the dreams of the mind. She forgot to dream about reality, so she never met love. She decided that her dreams about the future are a more pleasant way of living, and chose to see reality as painful. She considered it easier than confronting the reality. She spent all her life dreaming about how her life will be when she will be married. She was waiting for her future husband to save her from her reality. But when the moment came it was impossible not to be disappointed of how the things turned out, because she had a precise list for how she wanted her life to be. She wanted an exciting life, she wanted to feel alive, but she confounded the joy of living with the intense sensation of pleasure and enthusiasm. She started punishing herself just to feel alive. She feed herself with moments of intense pleasure, but this is like feeding a race horse only with cake and ice cream. When she saw herself married she decided that her new life was not what she wanted and started dreaming for something else, unable to deal with her life. She was running from taking the responsibility of her own life and lived considering herself a victim and accusing her husband for her unhappiness, but she was the only one responsible. It was her choice to stay in the marriage or to leave. She started yearning for the love of other men in the hope that they will save her and feed her desire of appreciation. Acting as a victim and giving away the power over her life was a sure path to self destruction. She started to beg for attention from other man and she got their attention for a while, she was a beautiful woman. But by not loving herself she got others in the same point of not loving her. Her destructive way of being pushed them away. Her lack of self appreciation attracted the kind of men that were showing her the same lack of appreciation. They were loving her as she was loving herself, better said not loving herself and they all end up leaving her. She feed her desires with expensive things hoping to fill the emptiness from her soul. But nothing seemed to be enough. Her illusions, her dreams were tearing her apart until she decided that she can’t take it anymore and ended the nightmare that she created. She decided to leave herself too and ended her life.

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